An old message I never sent.

This just an old email I intended to send but never did, figured I should at least post it, somebody somewhere might get some insight from it:

Hey "Baldy lock's," that's what some dude called me when I was walking down the street in NY once...

I hope you won’t mind me saying something here.  I know I can’t be completely objective, but I am “informed,” and none of your sentiments are foreign to me.

First of all, the die questions…  we’ve all, as a society, been naïve to ignore the fact that we might die…it isn’t even an option; we will die, no ifs ands or buts.  The circumstances will be a many and varied thing, but it’s going to happen, always sooner than we’d like.  Our focus should be what we do with the time we are not dead…

It might be more likely that you could die from this, as I could, but, heaven forbid, we could get hit by a bus, tomorrow, too.  I think giving this thing more credit for our fatality is a mistake.  It is so awesome that in so many other parts of your life things are going the way you are happy with.  School is done!  Nice place to live, great friends, and all the things you enjoy!  Savor those, cherish those, abuse those!  i.e.  I never used to like chocolate much before all this…now I give myself carte blanche with the stuff, love it and never feel guilty about it.

I’m certainly more of a cynic about other people than you are, but I think I’m more accepting than I ever have been.  I try not to expect much of other people, otherwise that seems to bite me in the ace.  My expectations of myself are certainly my demons and I know I judge myself too harshly, and that I think is something to avoid.  Recognizing your successes rather than misses seems to work really well.  Glass half full, right!?!?!  For me the important thing is to just KEEP TRYING at whatever I get in my mind to do.

Wanderlust is certainly a strong feeling.  I’m convinced it comes from our days as hunter gatherers and now it’s stymied by our consumerism, consumption, etc etc.  It seems like you’ve been ahead of me all along as far as hating capitalism; I don’t think I could ever say that, but I hate the greed that I’ve even practiced…  Capitalism is the current game, we just have to find better ways to beat it…

Decisions…  Sheesh, I’ve decided, and decided again, so many things it’s ridiculous.  And yes, I know how confusing it is.  I keep turning over the things in my mind that I should just say “fuck it” to.  So far it’s just been the materialism…just making sure I’m mobile, keeping the knowledge, that there aren’t many things I can’t live without, close to my heart.  My problem with decisions is always why can’t I do both.  It sounds like maybe you feel that way about the NP and coaching thing, or I feel that way for you…  Is that possible, maybe not now, but sometime? 

I understand about waiting for the results…  I’ve done it, it sucks, did it have much to do with my decisions?  I feel like I should have just gone ahead with any of my decisions rather than waiting…I always hear my father’s voice at these times, “Shit or get off the pot.”  What a crappy saying, pun intended, but it seems to get at the heart of the matter, make that decision and get on with things…  It sounds great written out, but I know it’s still hard for me to make some of those serious decisions.  But, when the question is if it’s worth it?  Yes, yes it is. 

All your choices seem awesome, I’ve definitely considered them myself in some form or another…  don’t pack up, just leave…  move to the Keys or Caribbean…  fuck any career goals and just trudge along as I am…  go off the grid in a sailboat…  All appealing, in one way or another, all I consider why can’t I do it all? 

I’m very good at the no ties part of free-spiritedness, but the insurance and capitalism are my traps.  I could give up a lot of my social connections as long as I knew the people I care about are ok or at least somewhat happy.  Of course I want the best and most for them, but what I want and they want aren’t necessarily the same, and much of it is out of my control.  I’ll always err on the side of selfishness, especially if it’s a need…  with people though, they’re selfish too, but if they can help, most will.

I’m not telling you be financially irresponsible, or cavalier, and run from all your debts, but Fuck the Money/Debt.  What are they going to do, take your surgery away!?!?  Not possible!  Again, money is just part of the game, it sucks, but it makes things easier.  We do what we can, there are always options and assistance, but it isn’t just handed out.  It might need to be found, worked for, or even asked for…

Resolutions will come, like it or not.  I don’t think things ever get easier, we must be getting better at handling them, right!?!?  You CAN do this!  Maybe even on your own! 

I keep looking for signs too…  Stay tough