As expected...

Portions of this post are from a note I scribbled down a bit after I got my check-up appointment (02/11/10).

"I'm not afraid of it coming back, I'm afraid of what I have planned if it does..." And by afraid I don't mean fearful, I mean I'm not excited about it. This does not mean suicide...ever.

1st. Everything I own is on sale, seriously, give me something elusive and temporary and whatever you want is yours. I've started this already...
2nd. Two more rounds of Chemo; not just chemo, but the strongest dose of Adria possible, like before, and plenty of Ifos. Two rounds because that will lead to the maximum lifetime dose of Adria I can have...
3rd. ...
4th. ...

Here's a bit on why Plan R(ecurrence) comes into play. First, I'm not sure if it's better to tell any of you before I attain confirmation, so I'm not going to. I'm convinced it was more costly telling some people in the first place. I don't want to cause you more stress, but I know some of you will resent that I held back. Please understand I'm doing it to save you anxiety and any other trauma this might cause.

In cruel irony, what seems like a week after I was given my next check up date, I began to notice swelling and a slightly firm(actually this is hardened tissue from radiation) mass in an area close to the scarred area. As I sit writing this I can feel mild discomfort and when I palpate the area and compare it to the opposed region of my body, there is a marked difference. I am worried about this, I'm pretty sure the bitch is back, and I'm really not sure if I should try to get an appointment sooner for a check up or just wait until my scheduled date. I'm not anxious to go through any more treatments etc etc, but I will and I'll keep fighting, but after that fight comes plan R and admittedly, that's not the best plan either. Should probably buy more lotto tickets...

I'm now left wondering, what didn't I do? Did I screw up by eating too much fast food, did I screw up by eating some of the things I used to eat(cell food, multivitamins, muscle milk) before all this, was I not aggressive enough in my fitness, did part of the cure(radiation)(No, I've had confirmation that it wouldn't) cause this, have I eaten too much chocolate, candy or Pepsi, did I not hold onto a bright enough attitude, did I latch onto a "I'm as good as dead" approach too much? What more can I change?